4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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