So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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