oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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