You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
