none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
