I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
