We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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