Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
