Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
