the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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