We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
