Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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