just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
