I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
