so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
