make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
