I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
