dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
