just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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