Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I need water and some morals
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize