The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
