I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
