these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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