im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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