a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
