I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
