So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
