i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize