the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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