haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
whose parrot is this?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
