Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
