Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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