if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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