i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
