happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
