I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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