fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
