Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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