this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
