I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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