Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
