There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
FUCK WHALES
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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