You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
