Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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