if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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