your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
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Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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