Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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