I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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