Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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