i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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