I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
