Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
