You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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