I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
