Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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