Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
